Meds-are-us…

I went to the cinema with a girl that started talking about kids and how much she wanted them some day etc… FIRST DATE I may add.  So when I got home I texted her telling her, “I can’t get into anything right now because I have mental issues and I am on medication. I am not in the position to have anyone new in my life at the moment.” She didnt write back. I actually said mental issues and medication…

The other woman…

I went on a “date” with a guy once who brought his “best friend”. He invited me for a drink (can I just point out at this stage that it definitely sounded like a date to me anyway). When I got there he had a female friend with him so I just thought, right well let’s just play it by ear shall we!

The night was okay at first. I established that there wasn’t anything going on with them etc. He referred to her as “sisterly” at one point. I thought this was perhaps his way of telling me he wasn’t interested in her in that way etc.

Anyway… the night was very long indeed. I kept trying to leave, he kept buying me drinks to get me to stay. It was uncomfortable as in three-is-a-crowd (and wasn’t this supposed to be two?) etc.

She also got very drunk and kinda obnoxious, announcing when we left the club (at 2.30am) at she was ‘kipping at his place’ cos her house was too far away or something… They went home together. Without me.

Three’s an awkward crowd…

I was recently out on a date with a guy I met through a friend. It was our second date and he seemed like a nice guy though not really my type, he was very shy and it was all very awkward. I arrived at the pub and he went to get me a drink at the bar.

While he was gone a very drunk English bloke came over to talk to me. He was on a stag and had clearly been drinking for quite a few hours. His opening line was actually “do you come here often?”. Cringe.

I wanted to get rid of him quickly before my date came back from the bar so when he slurred “So who are you here with?” I nabbed my opportunity and said: “My boyfriend” and pointed at my date who was still at the bar. I thought that would get rid of him but alas, no. He wasn’t budging.

My date returned with my glass of wine and we all (me, my date and drunken English bloke) stood around awkwardly for a minute or two. Then the drunk bloke turned to my date and asked “So who are you? Are you her boyfriend?”.

My date was a little taken aback by the question and very swiftly answered: “Eh no, we’re just on a date, we’re not going out, sure we hardly know each other.” And then the drunk fella said: “But she told me you were her boyfriend”.

I went red. My date turned and looked at me like I was the bunny boiler straight out of Fatal Attraction. I was mortified and there was a long silence. It was AWFUL. The drunk bloke finally left and I tried to laugh off the whole incident but my date just didn’t get it. Talk about sense of humour fail. I never contacted him again.

You snooze, you lose…

The worst date I have ever been on was with a friend of a friend that I had met at a birthday party. This guy got my number from our mutual friend and started texting me the day after the party.

Eventually, after about 4 days he asked me out on a date and I agreed. He lived down the country so we arranged to meet in a bar in Dublin on a Friday evening (he was coming up for the weekend anyway) and the plan was to go for a bite to eat and then drinks. I got to the meeting place and, my first impression was that he was a little tipsy, but obviously didnt say anything.

A few mins into the conversation he decides he doesnt want food, “lets just go drinking” he said. Ok I thought, bit strange as it was only 6pm and a bit early to go on the beer for the night, but I just went with it and ordered another. Not long into the date I realised that this guy was not only drunk but was a plonker.

What the heck did I see in him in the first place? After about an hour I excused myself to go “powder my nose”. I swiftly wipped out the mobile phone and after making the “emergency, get me out of here call” to my friend went back out to him in the bar. When I got back to the table I nearly died. The drunken gobshite had fallen asleep on the chair with his head on the table. I was beyond embarrassment so just grabbed my coat and legged it!

I’m not sure how long he snoozed there for, or if he paid the drinks bill but I didn’t bother finding out. He tried calling me later in the evening but I just kept rejecting his calls. He then sent a text the next day to say how sorry he was, that he obviously had a few cans on the train on the way up and didnt realise how tired he was! Whaaaaaaaaaat? Gobshite!!

Don’t see a great night…

Well one time about 7/8 years ago I used to hang around with a completely different group of people and this one weird misguided girl used to like me. I didn’t realise that she had a very small tolerence for alcohol and she would follow me to the bar everytime I went and would buy herself a drink everytime I would buy one…

Anyway when we were leaving a niteclub she collapsed and we had to bring her to hospital to get pumped.. she must have had 4 alcopops! that was one of the scariest things ever though!

Planning ahead…

The worst thing that ever happened to me was this – I brought a girl I had been seeing for about a week to the cinema, I paid for everything, then during the previews she broke up with me…

Then it turned out she had told all her friends she was gonna break up with me at the cinema, and they were sitting right behind us…

So the only way I could get back at her, and make her feel as awkward as possible, was stay and watch the whole movie!

A little trickle…

Met a girl one night in college, fancied her for ages, I walked her home and we’d a beer on her sofa, after hours of groundwork we snogged, happy days I was over the moon, being a gentleman I cuddled up and we fell asleep on the couch.

About an hour later I was awoken to her taking a pee in the middle of the living room floor, sleep peeing I think the medical folk call it. I made my excuses and left having taken her to the bathroom. She could never look me in the face again.

Away with the fairies…

I met this guy out one night and agreed to meeting him again for a drink due to his total hotness and from what I can remember his nice personality. We went to a pub in a hotel down the country and this is when I realised the chap was seriously disturbed. Here is just a short list of some of the random things he said:

He hates all black people even tho he has black cousins (but he isn’t
racist).
He has been on four peace keeping missions but has peace-keeped in all African countries. As far as I’m aware there are more than four countries in Africa.
He hates Americans.
He hates Australians and they hate us cos we mess up their beaches.
African people are evil (yes he used the word evil) and talk to you through their eyes ( I should have left myself at this stage).
The mafia in Thailand hold Irish people on the ground and stuff drugs down their mouths and take pics and give them to the police.
He likes to go canoeing in the lakes of Mullingar on his own at night time.
He goes to see his grandmother in Barcelona twice every two years (would this not be easier to say once a year?!?).
He hates Mullingar (he is from there).
He hates Niall Breslin but seems to know way too much about him for my liking and maintains that only people in Mullingar, Dublin and Cork know who the Blizzards are.
He nearly fell off his chair when a kid walked behind him.
He kept scratching himself and was real jumpy if a fly landed on him or anything.

Oh also he said he was going to the toilet and went home – did I mention that?

Crazy, crazy boy….

A night at the pictures…

I met this guy through a work colleague on a night out about two years ago, and he text me a week later to ask me on a date, we arranged to go out the following weekend, but he ended up cancelling the evening five times – he then asked me out on a 6th attempt and I went. We met in town and he brought me to Arnott’s food mall for dinner!! We were at the counter – he just walked ahead and didn’t even offer to pay. And then we went to the cinema and I had to buy my own ticket.

But it didn’t stop there. We went into the cinema and I thought one of the Guinness ads was actually a film preview. I turned to him and was like ‘that looks so scary’. SAP! So after that embarrassment, we watched the show, left and he only spoke seven words to me “ok so, i’ll be talking to you”. I blame the chord jacket I wore. Disgrace.

Feeling dodgy…

Right, was out at a work do. Had plans on making a move on a fine-looking thing I’d been after for months, who’d just broken up with the fella. I get too drunk. She asks me, randomly, at one stage should we get our coats. I say, “Sure why would we do that there’s an hour left before the bar closes!” and keep dancing. Her sister is standing beside us and flips at me for being so thick… before realising how drunk I truly am and laughing it off…

Aaanyway, the club had ended and the girl was gone. As I’m getting my coat, a large girl who I had rejected a few months ago (with the words, “Awww scarlet for ya young one!”… I’m bad at rejections…) approaches me and asks if I was getting stuck into the fine thing. I said no. She said that the fine thing told her she was mad about me and that there was a party back in her’s where I could hook up with the fine thing once and for all.

Of course, I get back there and it’s just her and I sitting in her front room… her mam, who also worked with us, was asleep upstairs. She assures me that people are on their way and, in the meantime, keeps ploughing me with Aftershock. Eventually I realise what the story is and… short of options and high on horniness, I say, “Right, come on, let’s go to the jacks…” where we start messing around. Problem was, she moaned LOUDLY during this, prompting her ma to come down and say, “What’s going on in there?!”

She thinks on her feet and says that I’m getting sick and she’s just making sure I’m okay. So I turn around and pretend to get sick as she opens the bathroom door… forgetting to pull my jeans up from my ankles. Then, staring at the toilet bowl now and thinking about what I’d done, I actually get sick.

I must’ve stayed in that toilet for a good half an hour… waiting for the ma to go to bed so I could make a dignified exit. But nope, I could hear them making cups of tea and chatting, somberly, in the sitting room. So… not wanting to wait around much longer… I did the only thing that made sense in my drunken head: pull up my trousers and make a dash for the front door!

Needless to say, many embarrassing moments occured between the girl, her ma and I over the next few weeks. Fortunately, she was sacked from the job not too long afterwards. Score one for the recession!