A real gent…

I brought my then boyfriend to my debs. I had a fair bit to drink (courtesy of him trying to have his wicked way with me – which he didn’t get, I ended up drunkenly kicking him out of my parents house later and he had to walk five miles home.)

I was sitting with him on some steps in the club where the debs was on, he was on the step above me and I asked him if he was having a good night and he said “yes, because I can see down your dress”. I don’t remember much after that but I was informed by my friends at the end of the night we went outside and it was raining, I apparently was shivering with the cold and my friend’s boyfriend told him to give me his jacket – he said “no, then I’ll be cold”‘.

Needless to say, seven years on I don’t regret breaking up with him a few days later.

Foot Block NUG…

These events happened a year ago while on a J1 in New York. It was a Sunday evening, back in our local after playing a football match earlier in the day. Dehydration + drink – food = Hammered. Got chatting to a girl who looked alright, a little on the heavy side but in that state it didn’t bother me in the slightest. The drinks stayed coming, and the next thing I remember was waking up in a strange bed, in a strange house stark naked next to naked ugly girl. I managed to get dressed without waking NUG (name which stuck).

Only to realise that NUG’s foot was hanging out over the end of the bed and blocking the door and my only escape route (upstairs room). I thought better of waking NUG and instead lifted her leg, opened the door and let the leg down again. At this point NUG began to wake, as I bolted out the door. I tore downstairs past her housemate and into the street to realise I had no fricking idea were I was, just then the Lincoln town car (taxi man) passed, hailed him, jumped in, and blurted my address, he looked at me dumbfounded and said another crazy Irish guy, he literally drove two blocks, made two right turns and I was home, HOLY SHIT I hope I didn’t tell her were I lived.

All was good I thought, no sightings, no random texts, I thought gift, that was until next Sunday after the next match and back in the local. Suffice to say I got more than a drink thrown my direction that day, continuous dirty looks for the rest of the J1er. Would still recommend it to anyone though. Quality.

Not that hungry…

I started seeing this girl after my mate set me up on a blind date. Things started off pretty good. After a couple of weeks I noticed that she was fond of the drink. I put it down to the fact that she had lost her job.

Fast forward a few weeks (Valentines weekend). I booked a nice restaurant near a holiday home that I have. When we got to the restaurant before I had even taken off my coat, the girl was ordering the waitress to bring down bottles of beer. I had to apologise to the waitress. Next, the owner came over to take our order, and the girl told him that she didn’t want anything to eat, could she have bottles of beer instead.

It was very embarrasing. I asked the owner if he would give me five more minutes. After convincing the girl to order food, along with more beer, she proceeded to make fun of a couple who had just got engaged.

The holiday home is a two hour drive from home. It was the longest drive home in silence, the next day.

Wedding bells…

I think this is pretty bad! I was at a wedding two years ago and was drinking the entire day and the judgement was clearly impaired. So the sun was rising and the drinks had run dry, my brother’s (male) friend suggested B + B and my brother decided to stay in the hotel where the wedding was and he kindly offered me his space in the B + B (if he knew what would transpire he’d probably think twice about it!), got to the B + B and I got into bed in my clothes and proceeded to try go to sleep.

Then the friend comes out of the bathroom, flirting ensues then kissing and well… we’re adults here! So later that morning my brother rang me to open the door for him and another guy who also was supposed to be staying in the room (Rob) so i said to him “ok just a sec”… rushing round the room trying to A) find clothes B) put clothes on C) mess up another bed totally anticipating him to freak out! Instead he comes in “i know full well what was going on here!” not so much freaking out as there was so many remarks making me extremely uncomfortable!

Remarks to friend saying “you’ll have to meet our mother now” and what not – oh the mortification of it all, it was unbearable but of course it got so much worse. The word spread and when I went up to the after party of the wedding in the local pub the minute I walked in, a group of lads in the middle of the pub 15 or 20 of them went silent for a mili-second, looked at me and then started cheering – I couldn’t escape them,  couldnt avoid going through them all they were blocking the bar it was CRINGEFUL!

Someone overdid it…

I had been out on a few dates with a guy and I liked him a good bit.
But the only thing that struck me is that he never EVER wanted to go to the cinema or even out for a bite to eat, he was mad to get to the pub always. All our dates ended with the two of us worse for wear!

Anytime I suggested a non alcohol related date, he dismissed it. I got fed up and ended things. About a month later, I was out and was texting him and asked him to come to a house party we were having after the nightclub. I didn’t actually think he would come and the party fizzled out after a while.

He arrived at more door at 5am when I was fast asleep in bed, l he was locked, wearing the most hideous pair of tommy hilfiger jeans I’d ever seen with the name emblazoned down the leg and was so drunk he could barely talk, I didn’t let him in but when I looked out the door, I realised he was after DRIVING up. I was disgusted but didn’t want to send him off into the car again so let him stay on the couch.

And he had the cheek to say to me in his drunken stupor that “He would never go out with me but he’d sleep with me in a second”. I told him to stop drinking. And that was the end of that.

Like mother like daughter…

A few years ago I went on a blind date with a smoking hot girl (way out of my league it’s not funny) and it went pretty smoothly. Had a nice meal, conversation was good and we had a little dance afterwards. When the night was winding down she asked if I wanted to go back to hers and obviously I did the gentlemanly thing and asked if she was sure but in my head i was shouting Oh Yeah Baby.

Anyway, we went back to hers and did the funky thing a couple of times and fell asleep. the next morning was okay as well, I remembered where I was, didn’t have a bad hangover and was pretty pleased that I scored a hot chick, that was until I went downstairs. 

(A couple of months before that I went to spain with the lads and while in spain I hooked up with a 35 year old woman, who was also smoking by the way.)

Well when I downstairs not only was the chick I hooked up with on the blind date, there was the woman I hooked with in spain (who was her mother) also the husband was there as well. They were all having breakfast at the table. I went pale when I saw that the woman was her mother, she dropped a cup when she saw me.

The hot chick wasn’t 22 like she said she was, she was just gone 18 and the husband/father had an angry face that looked like I was going to be buried in the back garden. I just bolted out the door and kept running.

Its such fecked up story that i dont believe it happened sometimes.

Tucked up for the night…

I had been seeing this guy for a while, I really liked him, thought he was really hot and we got on so well. He was great craic and every night we went out we ended up having as bit too much to drink and laughing hysterically.

That was all grand until one night I was out with my friends in the local nightclub. I had been texting him and he said he was tucked up in bed, he was being sensible and having the early night, I thought fair play until in the nightclub, one of my friends said “Isn’t that yer man?”.

I could clearly see him hanging out by the bar with his mates, even when I texted him and asked him was he out, I could see him take out his phone and write back “No, chilling out and having a nearly night.” I was raging, he made me look like a creep that he needed to hide from, we’d only been out a few times, get over yourself man!!!

Heading down the aisle…

I met a girl through a dating agency in January, it was like a blind date, I met her for a drink down in Kerry, and when I saw her first, she was a big girl, and not very attractive.

She was wearing a hoodie, she had hairs on her chin, she was 25 yrs of age and was very dull.

I was so glad the drink was over with, she hadn’t a clue this girl – a couple of days later she texted me saying “when are we getting married?”

She was crazy, it’s so hard for us fellas to find a decent looking woman in Ireland these days! It was the worst date I ever had, shockingly bad.

A bit in your face…

Once upon a time, (or should I say a drunken rag week…) I met this guy. He was a friend of a friend and was only up for rag week, or so i was told. I have a very very full on personality, (I will say anything to one-up someone, and I don’t ever get embarrassed) so I usually try and reign it in when I meet people first… but the lads thought it would be hilarious to get me drunk and set me on him.

So they did. I went mental, the poor lad thought he was in there with a total nymph looney, he was preparing himself for the night of his life. I sobered up enough to relise I’d overstepped the mark and tried to leave. Sharpish. But it was decided I was too drunk to walk home, so he had to escort me. He was to make sure i was ok, then call the others to find out where they were going.

I was desperate to get rid of him, as to be honest he was lovely but not at all my type. Of course when we got to my house, his friends had their phones off, he was 40 miles from home and I was the only other person he knew. Feck. I say house, I was in student accommodation, so a lot of people saw me rock up with him, heard him complaining that his penis wouldn’t work (yes, he REALLY thought he was in there… and thought I was playing hard to get (more like impossible…)And saw him stumble drunkenly out of the building the following morning.

I was just glad that I never had to see or hear from him again, and had chalked it down to another drunken night of laughs, no real harm done, til I started getting texts from an unknown number… the feckers had passed on my number to him… they spent weeks telling the poor fecker I was mad about him, but I was shy/ had lost his number/ couldn’t text… eventually he started finding excuses to spend more time with our friends… and I found excuses to make new ones…

A bit of a drip…

One night outside the student bar in college I snogged this fella who was in my class. We started snogging around the side of the building, but mid lip lock I realised I had to go to the loo. Instead of going all the way back inside to where the proper toilets were (can I add I was twisted) I thought it would be a great idea to just go for it farther around the back of the building.

Suffice to say I didn’t have the best balance at the time of peeing, and, well, fell over a little bit while in the act. So got myself together, went back to my guy. We started kissing again, and when his hand ran down from my back to my bum he said, with a distinct hint of disgust “is that… piss?!”. He felt a slightly wet patch on the arse of my trousers. Turns out maybe I wasn’t as “pee and run” expertly as I thought I was!

Morto. I drunkenly denied it of course. And said I had fallen in the wet grass. Don’t think it was raining that day. Well the embarrassment made it’s way to my brain because when he said he’d be back in a minute (he went back inside to use the actual toilets) I did the decent and dignified thing. I ran away!